your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
