my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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