They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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