You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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