Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
