okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
