Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
