haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My breasts were aching with rage.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
