She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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