Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
