so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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