Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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