I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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