"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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