im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
