Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
