Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
