Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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