Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
