who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
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