I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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