why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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