A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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