seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
