I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
