hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
