you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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