the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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