I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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