Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
