He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The feeling are messing with the penis
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
