I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
