Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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