After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
