Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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