she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
We need to get me chipped asap
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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