i just had sex bonerless
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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