2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
