My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
