an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
