i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
