have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
