just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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