i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
