No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
