Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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