It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
