I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
