I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I could make wine with my vomit
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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