Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
