i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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