hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
