it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
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He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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