I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
mondays should just be called national damage control day
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
