yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
