Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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