It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
